Motherhood: Will we ever be Enough?—Part One

Raising children is no easy task. There are countless moments when we're running on fumes, our patience is razor-thin, and yet we must continue to show up. It can feel as if there's no reprieve from the onslaught of colicky babies, temperamental toddlers, defiant preschoolers, homework, soccer practice, driver's education… I think you get my point. As moms, we often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and may catch ourselves comparing our abilities to those of mothers we see online who seem to have it “all together." This doesn't happen by accident.

For decades, motherhood has been idealized, and we have pushed ourselves to reach unattainable standards. In the early stages of Colonial America, the revered vision of motherhood was founded upon early Christian views of "willing and selfless devotion." While women are no longer expected to tend to the farm, churn butter, and raise a brood of children, the work we do is often invisible or insincerely praised.

Historically, women were considered irrelevant in procreation, as scholars believed that men provided all the necessary material to create life. However, women were viewed as capable of harming the life they carried. They were warned against cravings, thinking of another man or lover for fear that the child would resemble him, or viewing paintings of John the Baptist wearing animal fur for fear that the child would be born "terrifyingly hairy." As time progressed, women were considered to have a child's health and wellness under their complete control.

In the late nineteenth century, women were encouraged to display an abundance of affection towards their children, but by the post-war era, the culture began to shift into demonizing "overly loving mothers." After World War II, doctors began blaming mothers of soldiers returning from war with what we now consider modern-day Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for being "narcissistically invested" in keeping their sons emotionally dependent upon them for their own selfish gratification. By the 1940s and 1950s, diagnoses like autism and schizophrenia were also unfairly attributed to mothers. Bruno Bettelheim, a child psychologist who fabricated his credentials, blamed "refrigerator mothers" for their schizophrenic or autistic children. These women were described as "cold and emotionless" and accused of rejecting their offspring, thus causing various mental disorders.

The Cards are (Still) Stacked Against Us

While modern motherhood may have shifted from the 1950s ideal of a mother donning an apron, always smiling, and having dinner and a cocktail ready for her husband, the exceedingly high expectations still remain. Today's mothers have TikTok and other social media accounts where every meal is organic, healthy, and made from scratch in the kitchen (which, incidentally, she renovated herself between trips to the Pilates studio and Mommy and Me swim lessons) She is perfectly fit and toned, never skipping her self-care routine, and objectively "hot." Self-care, initially intended as a way for mothers to replenish themselves and find respite from the daily toll of running a household and working, has now morphed into the burden of staying attractive forever—not a wrinkle or strand of gray hair in sight.

Pregnancy, something previously hidden in society back in the 1950s, has done a complete turnaround and become performative. Expectant others are supposed to be glowing and gain only seven pounds. Their hair is luscious, their skin vibrant, they're not vomiting every twenty minutes, and they are just so happy. Women are not permitted to feel anything but ethereal during pregnancy. In Screaming on the Inside: The Unsustainability of American Motherhood, author Jessica Grose shares her experience with pregnancy, and, to be frank, it's anything but ethereal. When interviewing other mothers, nearly every woman expressed feelings of guilt and burden regarding carrying the expectations of society—cracking under the pressure.

Motherhood and Social Media

As the accessibility of the Internet has grown, so have the ways mothers compete with each other. In the early 2000s, mommy bloggers helped shift motherhood from the private to the public sphere and provided "normalcy" when mainstream media only portrayed the "glossy celebrity-focused" image of it. As mommy blogging has moved from blogs to platforms like Instagram and TikTok, the nature of how others present themselves on social media has become skewed. Insta-Moms focus on content ranging from postpartum bodies to curated lunchboxes, providing a new role model for modern-day moms. Many of these moms are also producing sponsored promotions of products, blurring the lines between clever marketing and real life. Advertising to moms is not new; however, these new platforms allow for more subtle marketing than decades ago.

The "picture-perfect" mother we see on social media has successfully commercialized parenting in a way that strategically erases reality while shaping content into a seemingly authentic persona that is out of reach for nearly all of us. Social media reinforces maternal competitiveness, which, at one point during evolution, was necessary to increase access to mates, maintain relationships with existing partners, and ultimately lead to the security of genetic success via offspring. Now, this competitiveness has evolved to perpetuate an unrealistic ideology of motherhood in which mothers must be completely fulfilled by their children, provide them with constant stimulation, with the child being the core focus of the mother's life—without difficulty or exhaustion. Quite the tall order.

This intense ideology promotes increased social comparison and competitiveness. Now, mothers are less biologically driven for genetic success, but socially driven to compete in multiple domains, from developmental milestones to school achievements. As mothers, we are constantly exposed to discussions on what we "should" do as parents—pulling ourselves away from this ideal can feel nearly impossible. Mothers with children under the age of five report the highest levels of social media engagement, with an incredible uptick in use immediately following the birth of their child. This instant comparison, especially during the early days of motherhood, can be incredibly detrimental to mothers and their mental well-being.

If you're interested in learning more about motherhood and the effects of social media and culture on it, consider joining our two-part workshop on motherhood, "Motherhood: Embracing Transformation." Click here to learn more or to register. 

--Alaina Kuisma, Counseling Intern