Motherhood: Will we ever be Enough-Part Two

Most mothers strive to be loving, supportive, and nurturing for their children, yet many of us often feel like we are falling short. The demands of parenthood can be exhausting, and for those with an already “shaky sense of self,” the pressures of motherhood may feel like a threat to the limited freedom and autonomy we’ve claimed in our lives. Recognizing that motherhood is an evolving journey is essential. Women with a fragile self-esteem may struggle to stand up for themselves, set boundaries, or ask for help. “Unmothered” mothers—those who grew up without nurturing maternal figures—may find that motherhood reawakens feelings of abandonment and isolation. But by acknowledging and processing these emotions, we create opportunities for healing and personal growth.

Motherhood requires maturation, but this transformation does not come without sacrifice. Until we fully embrace who we are and release the endless possibilities of who we could have been, finding a grounded sense of self remains elusive. Carl Jung described the “puella aeterna,” or "eternal girl," as a woman resistant to growth. Moving from maiden to mother means accepting our finiteness and imperfections. Women who resist this transition may fantasize about escape, struggling to fully embrace motherhood or their evolving identity. However, as we step into our roles as mothers, we cultivate a unique identity that allows us to express our needs, set boundaries, and claim space in our own lives. In doing so, we embody motherhood with authenticity and strength.

Balancing Connection and Independence

With maturity comes the realization that much is beyond our control. Striving to be a perfect parent is both unrealistic and counterproductive. Overfunctioning—attempting to shield our children from every possible harm—can prevent them from fully experiencing life. It is painful to accept that our children do not truly belong to us. A natural desire for control can lead some mothers to overinvest in their children, fearing their eventual independence. However, when we place our sense of self-worth entirely in motherhood, we risk stagnation and centering our lives on an existence that is not our own.

A healthy mother-child relationship brings fulfillment when a mother successfully meets her child’s needs. When we soothe a crying infant, we receive validation of our competence, reinforcing our sense of self-worth. However, when we doubt our abilities as mothers, our children can become sources of anxiety, insecurity, or shame rather than joy and connection. This can create emotional detachment, increasing distress and deepening the disconnection.

Moments of disconnection are a natural part of parenting. The ebb and flow of attachment allows children to develop a sense of self apart from their mothers. However, chronic disconnection can lead to emotional withdrawal. Understanding the cycle of connection and disconnection—and resisting the urge to fixate on either extreme—helps maintain a balanced parenting approach. Some mothers struggle to claim their authority, especially when faced with older generations who resist relinquishing control. By grounding ourselves in our identity and embracing the natural rhythms of parenting, we can confidently step into our power as mothers, allowing both ourselves and our children to grow.

Maternal Ambivalence

Understanding that being “good enough” is more important than being perfect allows mothers to embrace their humanity. Rather than striving for an unattainable ideal—where a mother is endlessly devoted, loving, and nurturing—accepting maternal ambivalence creates space for reality. Maternal ambivalence refers to the coexistence of both positive and negative emotions toward motherhood and one’s child. A mother with a challenging baby may feel moments of resentment, only to be flooded with love and gratitude once the baby settles. These contrasting emotions are completely normal—even natural—given the intense physical and emotional investment of parenting.

Recognizing both the joys and struggles of motherhood fosters self-reflection, strengthening a mother’s relationship with both herself and her child. This nuanced understanding encourages thoughtful, resilient parenting. However, these ambivalent feelings can also be distressing. A mother may feel guilt or fear about her negative emotions, doubting her ability to parent effectively. This discomfort may lead to suppression, self-criticism, or even resentment toward the child, which can contribute to anxiety, depression, and strained relationships. While maternal ambivalence is common, its intensity varies among individuals.

By addressing and normalizing maternal ambivalence, we promote personal growth, self-acceptance, and healthier relationships. Acknowledging our full range of emotions—rather than using our children to fulfill unmet emotional needs—allows for deeper, more authentic connections. Accepting our children as they are, even when they challenge us, fosters genuine acceptance and love. Since we often project our most difficult self-perceptions onto our children, embracing their flaws can help us cultivate self-compassion.

If you’d like to explore these topics further, consider joining our two-part workshop, Motherhood and Self-Acceptance April 9 and 23, 2025 from 6 to 7:30 pm. Held at Deepwater Counseling in Ann Arbor. For more information or to register, contact counseling intern Alaina Kuisma 734.203.0183 ext. 705 or alaina@deepwatermichigan.com.

-By Alaina Kuisma, Counseling Intern